Undertow

Undertow - pic by Steve Ellis

Undertow:  an underlying current, force, or tendency that is in opposition to what is apparent

Life is full of highs and lows, mountains and valleys, pushing and pulling.  Sometimes we feel the contrast between those to a greater degree.  Sometimes it just feels like smooth sailing... while other times it feels like we are clinging to the shore for dear life.  I wish I knew what caused this divergence... this going from where I feel peace and joy freely to those times where I feel like I'm blindly tripping my way through the darkness. I have theories, as I'm sure everyone does, but theories don't help when you suddenly feel mired down in the muck.

Recently, I found myself living through my emotions... not feeling grounded... unable to find my balance (Jesus).  I felt myself pushing away from Him while He was gently trying to pull me back in.  It was like I was on a wave and He was the undertow pulling me towards Him, but in a panic, I would rush back to shore with the wave, clamoring to hold on to what I thought was safe.

Like the definition of undertow, what was apparent to me was that my life was out of control.  What was apparent was what the world wanted to me to see... my weaknesses, my failures, my unfulfilled dreams.  But Jesus is the force, the current that is in opposition to what is apparent.  If I could let the undertow (Him) pull me in, I could relax and ride the waves on His raft... His raft of peace, acceptance and love. But, like most of us, I'm so used to fighting...clawing for the love and acceptance that I've had to earn in life, that I don't even know how to relax and let Him pull me in.

So after nearly two weeks of stumbling around trying to find my own way...I stopped.  Exhausted, I realized that this was just another part of my journey.  The journey of discovering how much I rely on the world and the acceptance of those around me for my happiness and joy in life. I told Him, "I'm just tired of trying so hard to be who you want me to be -- something I'm not." And He whispered. "What if I told you that you are trying hard to be something your NOT instead of being who I created you to be?" That makes sense, I thought... but I don't know how to DO that. And I heard a lion's roar -- "STOP DOING!!"  Gently, He continued... "Stop striving for my peace and just rest in it.  Stop clamoring for love when I am right here loving you more than you will even need. Stop worrying about acceptance and know that I accept you completely and fully JUST AS YOU ARE." 

So with that truth, HIS TRUTH, fastened tightly around my waist, today I am letting go of the shore.  I am letting the undertow, that force that is the opposite of what I see and feel here in this world, pull me back in... to the safety of His loving arms. If you need me... I'll be on a raft.  Care to join me?