Live Your Life With Arms Wide Open

Today is where your book begins, the rest is still unwritten. Don't really love the song that those lyrics came from, but I do find them profound. I like to think that each day is a chance to start fresh... forget what yesterday's page may have said... today is going to be something special. It is so easy to get stuck in a rut... following the same path into town every day, sticking to the same schedule every week, repeating the same greetings, reiturating the same instructions... the repetitiveness can become quite tedious. Sometimes I feel like I am aching for a change.

And yet, change is scary. I have many friends going through some tough changes right now -- divorce, loss of love, loss of job, misplacement, misdirection. Those kind of changes can seem especially undesirable while we are going through them. They are the painful, unwanted, tear your heart out adjustments to our organized, accurate, by the book lives. So... the question is... where do we find that place in between... that place where we don't get stuck in a rut but also that place where we don't have the disturbing, life up heaving changes that scare the pants off of each and every one of us?

Does a place like that exist? I really don't know... but I do know I want to keep searching until I find it. A place where I can turn those tough changes into something positive and encouraging. If I can "live with my arms wide open" then I think that means that I have to be able to take the bad with the good, the difficult with the trouble-free -- take it all in and deal with it as best I can. Otherwise, it seems like I would miss out on what this life is all about.

If life was easy, it would be boring... which puts me back into that place I dislike so much -- a rut! I realize that I am not going through those hard things I listed above -- no divorce, no loss of love, still have my job -- but I watch my friends going through that, and I want to be there, to listen and relate as best I can. I want to say to them that each day is a new day... like the pages of a blank book... and all that each of us can do is write on that page and make it the best we possibly can. (Like these daunting blank blog pages that I have to fill with something meaningful :) If we can make something meaningful, even small, happen in our lives each and every day than we are doing something to get us out of that rut and doing something to fight off that difficult, demanding change in our life.

So... let's all try it... let's open our arms up wide, take a deep breath and say "BRING IT ON, WORLD!"... we've come this far... we know we have the strength and courage to dig ourselves out of that rut or to face that life changing challenge head on! Now, bend down and touch your toes.... (might as well get some good stretching in there while we're at it :)

37 Candles

Yikes -- that's enough to light a small village! Fortunately, no one was dumb enough to try and light that many candles at one time... but I did have my very own princess cake :) My friends at work really went out of their way to give me a special day... from a large choir singing down the halls of our office, to balloons, cards, candies, cookies, cakes, pizza and then an evening out with my two favorite boys (and one of Dallas's sweet friends). I think everyone was trying to fatten me up a bit. But seriously, it was a great day!

And it got me trying to remember some of my other memorable birthdays. Unfortunately, I really do have a bad memory...I mean really bad. Bad enough that I worry about how bad it is :) My grandma had Alzheimers and both of my parents have pretty poor memories (I have proof -- my mom thought this was my 34th birthday and my dad thought it was last weekend.), so I guess it really depresses me to know that mine is slipping, too.

The first one I can vividly remember was my fifth birthday. I remember my mom made me a cake that looked like a doll and I wore a dress similar to the one on the cake. This was a big deal for me as I have never been one to wear dresses OR play with dolls. I also remember that birthday because it was my first glimpse of how selfish and self absorbed I could be. My mom gave me a lovely party with my friends from school (Sargent school at that time). We played games and I remember getting angry and crying and pitching an all out temper tantrum when I didn't win "Pin the Tail on the Donkey". (I really did want to win that prize!) How horrified my mom must have been!

Somewhere around 12 or 13, my mom threw me a surprise party at our home in Littleton, Colorado. I remember that one because I had been fighting with some of my good friends at the time and I think my mom threw the party hoping to mend our friendships. I was shocked to hear them yell surprise and even though we didn't really make up that night, we are all still friends to this day, so it obviously all worked out in the end. My mom has always gone above and beyond the call of duty to make my birthdays (and every other day) as special as she possibly could. I am very blessed to have such a wonderful mother!!

My 16th birthday was a good one! My gift was a pink MG convertable! I know what your thinking... pink?? But lets remember back to that 5th birthday I described... I was a bit self-absorbed and rather spoiled. SO -- of course, if I wanted a pink car-- a pink car it was! This was a gift from my dad and even though it only lasted 6 months before I was run over by a 1 ton farmers pick-up truck, it was still a very generous and awesome gift. Plus it went well with the image of "Barbie" that was perpetuating around town about me and my fellow blonde friends :)

21st... I remember this one because I was holding my three month old daughter in my arms! Also, my good friends from Target (where I was working at the time) took me out on the town to celebrate the fact that I could OFFICIALLY buy alcohol and hit the night clubs. Not that I was much of a night clubber... I never seemed to fit into that crowd. Also, my dad took me to Cripple Creek for that birthday to have my first go at gambling. I lost $200 and decided I didn't need to do that ever again. I haven't.

I've been with Bart since my 23rd birthday and he has frequently gone out of his way to make the day special for me. This year he bought me a new road bike, which I so desperately needed and wanted! It's beautiful and I love him for spoiling me with some new wheels... blue this time, with two wheels instead of four! Besides... remember, I do like to be spoiled... it really is ALL ABOUT ME, right?? :)

Therapy Session

It's amazing how a beautiful day can change your outlook on things. I was so mad yesterday. My face was literally hot all day and I'm sure my blood pressure was up. I was mad about something that had happened to Dallas and even more upset with how I reacted to it. But, I have to say... it's delightful to know how quickly we can release that anger and wake up the next day feeling like life is good once again. It helped, too, that Dallas handled the situation more maturely than I did :). He was able to move on far more quickly than I was. And even though he might like to hide from the nastiness of the world, he went to school and faced it all head on.

This past Thursday, Dallas found out that two of his "friends" at our homeschool tutorial group had played a little prank on him. Dallas has had a YouTube page online for a year or more where he proudly posts videos of himself playing guitar, performing magic tricks, riding his skateboard, etc... These two boys also have a YouTube account and they decided it would be fun to make some changes to some of Dallas's videos. The first video they made was a rap version of Dallas's videos... which included adding the sounds of cricketts during Dallas's magic tricks, freezing his face in odd positions, and making him repeat words. The second video was titled "Farting" and was an edited version of Dallas's guitar video with the addition of farting sounds and the comment "This boy stinks anyway."

Keep in mind, we have had these boys over to our house for a camp out, to spend the night, taken them ice skating and invited them to Dallas's birthday party. Dallas considered them his friends. Being a docile but now angry mom, I called the mother of one of the boys involved. She reacted with the approriate amount of shock and said she would talk to her son.

Within a few short minutes, she called me back sounding much less appropriately frustrated with her son and instead more condemning of me and Dallas. She told me that they would remove the videos and her son would write an apology letter to Dallas. Nevertheless, she went on to tell me that her son said that he felt like Dallas doesn't include him in things. As IF that was an excuse for the hurtful videos and cruel comment her son had posted on the World Wide FREAKING Web of Dallas. She went on to LECTURE me about how I needed to talk to Dallas about this and that even though they don't have to be great friends, they could at least be nice to each other.

And WHAT DID I DO?? Nothing!! I said as little as I could and got off the phone as fast as I could. She lectured me for several minutes and rather than defend myself and my son, I just sat there and listened to the complete nonsense she was launching at me. I have always struggled with confrontation and I hate that about myself. When people confront me, my mind goes blank, I start shaking, my voice sounds quavery and I completely back down. I think of all the things I should have said the minute I am out of the situation.

I have tried to tell myself that I did the right thing by not hurling insults at her and telling her exactly how I felt. And I guess it made it easier to move forward today knowing that I have nothing to regret. Dallas certainly moved forward. There has to be a happy medium in there somewhere... a line where I feel good about my response, not back down, but express exactly what I feel without getting out of control. Maybe someday I will get there. Probably not... but at least I can always blog about all the things I would have liked to have said... like a therapy session for the feeble and wimpy :)