Proverbs, Trust and a Little Understanding

Proverbs 3:5-6 -- "Trust in the Lord with all your heart; lean not on your own understanding.  Seek His will in all you do and He will direct your paths."

Trust. That's always been a tough one for me.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart".  Sounds even tougher... almost impossible.

How do I take my eyes off the ball here on earth... in my daily life, in difficult relationships, in those dark places full of concerns and just TRUST that God really does have this covered and wants the best for me?  Sounds down-right delusional really.

That's what the enemy wants me to believe, of course. That I can't trust Him -- that I can't trust anyone but myself. I heard those words repeatedly from my own father as I was growing up... how can a heavenly Father be any different?

But that's when He reminds me that HIS love is not like anything I've ever known and I simply can't understand it... particularly when I focus on it from my own life experiences and world bound perspective.

That's where that second part comes into place, "Lean not on your own understanding."  I have to move beyond my "belief system" and move into a relationship. But there's the catch again... not like any relationship I've ever had... something different, something supernatural.

Relationships are hard... and honestly, it's easy to feel like we've failed or at least been a disappointment in many of them.  And the enemy loves to tell us that we have failed and disappointed God above everyone else. I mean, I can't even follow His simple command to love others beyond the circumstances of life, to show the grace to others that He continually shows me, or to always be kind, loving, honoring, and respectful to people on a daily basis. I don't always look to Him for my joy, happiness, and self worth --instead I find myself looking to those around me.  And that voice in my head that tells me I "shouldn't" feel any of these things if I truly trusted in Him, rested in Him and followed His will instead of mine.  I simply can't seem to live up to Jesus's model. So, feelings of failure creep in.

Until He gently tells me that I simply CAN'T EVER DISAPPOINT HIM! What??

Think about it... He is the almighty, the all-knowing, omni-present, omniscient, omnipotent! He knows ahead of time what I'm going to do, the valleys I will cross, the mountains I will face... how can we possibly disappoint or even catch Him off guard, for crying out loud, when He knows everything! And the best part... He just wants to be there with us when we cross those valleys, climb those mountains, screw things up, piss people off. Not to remind us of our failures, but to remind us of His love, His grace, His mercies.  He wants to take our hands and guide us down the path... and when we fall off, like we do, He is right there to guide us back.

Then there is that last part... about His will.  Sigh.  Lord... what is your will?  How will I know it?  What if I do something that is against your will?  What then?  And He whispered to me "My will is for you to be secure in my love."  

Wow -- could He make it any easier?  Rest in His love... and He will direct your paths.  Makes that whole "fear of trust" thing just kind of melt away.  Thank you, Lord!!

Your Vision: The beginning...a very good place to start.

Writing a vision statement might come easy for some.  But when your "vision" has basically been to get through each day. . .looking ahead and envisioning a future can be a troublesome speculation.  Its when I finally started to allow the truth that God does have plans for my future to sink in, and to realize that even though I know He is the one ultimately in control, I have to open up to Him, trust Him, and allow Him to show me the way.  That is the only way I would be able to pull myself out of that old way of thinking and become the new me. . . clothed in His love, His strength and His peace.  I had to be willing to take off my old tattered rags and allow Him to unshackle the chains I was hanging on to so desperately.

Step 1: Pray. Ask. Journal. (from Caleb Company - www.calebcompany.org).
BAM -- that one is easy. . .I pray, I can ask, and I journal everyday.  I often sit down in the mornings with my journal and say "Lord, what do you have for me today?" And He always obliges. He fills the blank pages of my journals far more eloquently and with a purpose than I do.  I often find myself writing the litany of "woe-is-me"isms, before I allow Him control of the pencil to fill my pages with His truth and love. Don't get me wrong, there is space in there for my grievances and ramblings. . . His grace is plenty wide enough for books full of my pains and frustrations.  He wants to hear my heart. . . because only then can He begin to whisper the truth into those places. So, when I journal, I always try to spend some time telling Him where I am at, how my heart feels. And then I give him space to fill my pages with His light, His love, His WAY.

Step 1: Pray. Ask. Journal. . . What are your dreams? If money wasn't a factor, what would you want to do?
 For those of us with "I can take care of everything" tendencies. . .thinking about what I WANT to do seems perplexing and weird.  I think that's how I lost the ability to dream and turned my attention to helping everyone else pursue theirs. . .a little co-dependency goes a long way. :)  I get so wrapped up in focusing on what others need -- my husband, my kids, my aging parents, my co-workers, my boss -- that I forget about that little thing called ME.

Okay. . . your turn.  Give it a try.  Sit down and dream a little. What sort of things have you prayed for in the past?  FOR YOURSELF, not others.  If you find you spend a lot of time praying about others or about lamenting problems rather than dreaming with God about your future, patiently allow yourself the grace to talk to Him about where you want to go and where He wants to lead you.  He wants you to dream big and He wants to help you fulfill those dreams.  Just start at the beginning. . .it happens to be right where He is.
In the beginning was the Word --  that's Him!
Happy dreaming!

On your mark, get set. . . DREAM!

Epiphanies. Revelations. Light-bulb moments.  I've been having a lot of those lately, it seems.  I can't imagine what a great feeling it is for God when I finally "get" the things He has been showing me! :)  I can literally hear His applause.  He is proud of us and loves us no matter what stage we are at in our journey, but I know He does a little happy dance when something actually sinks in.  And of course, that doesn't mean that I won't slip up and find myself careening down old highways or falling back into old coping mechanisms.  But the awesome thing about that is that those are the "old" parts of me, the "old" ways of getting by, not the "new" me. (2 Corinthians 5:17 -- Therefore if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here.) Knowing that helps me realize that I don't have to take that old road... I've got a new one -- wide open and ready for travel.

One of my recent epiphanies was that I have never really known how to dream my own dreams. To me, dreams somehow became expectations, and those expectations were out of my control. I feared dreams because what if I couldn't fulfill them, what if they didn't come true, what if I wasn't capable or good enough...lie after lie that the enemy reinforced every time I "failed" or didn't live up to my own or someone else's expectations. With that, it became easier to focus my attention on other people's dreams, or dreams I thought I could help them achieve.

What a hopeless feeling it is to realize that you are actually afraid to dream, afraid to make plans, especially risky ones that may not be achieved.  Fortunately, God didn't allow me to wallow in that hopelessness for long.  As always, He reminded me that He loves me more than I could ever imagine, that He wants me to have hopes and dreams of my own, AND He wants to help me achieve them. So, He started guiding me back to ME, right where He is and showing me again how He wants me to live -- without fear, without control, but with dreams, goals, love, peace, grace, honor, honesty....all the perfect and awesome fruits of His spirit.

With one day at a time, He is reminding me to walk in that place. Not to wish for a better past, not to lose hope in the future, but to take each day as my own. To rely completely on Him, and allow others to do the same. I don't make the rules, I do not set the bar for anyone else -- only for myself and HE IS THE BAR.  He tells me how high to reach (and He whispers "For the stars!").

Not surprisingly, the morning of that revelation, I opened my Facebook page to see that one of the pages I like (Caleb Company) was leading an exercise with step by step instructions on how to build your own "Vision Statement".  And Step 1 said "What are your dreams?".  BAM -- here I was asking God to show me how to realize my own dreams and VIOLA -- a starting point! I don't know about you, but I never cease to be in awe of how when we open ourselves up to be in tune with Him, He never ever fails to deliver!

In my next few blogs, I plan to show the step by step nature of building your own Vision Statement, focusing on your core values, your life verse and yes, your dreams.  It was another perfect opportunity to hang out with Jesus and allow Him to reveal things in myself that I didn't even know existed.  Guess that's the new me... the one He created 42 years ago but it got a little buried in dust.  So, let's blow that dust off together and do some refining...Today is the day to walk in the new YOU, the one He created you to be. :)

Bold Love

     Have you ever realized that there tends to be a "theme" to where God keeps challenging you, or leading you, or constantly reminding you? (I really wasn't going to say nagging... because God doesn't nag... but when He has to keep repeating the same theme because I'm too stubborn to listen...well, call it whatever you want. :) 

     When I first became a Christian, God placed the word "Patience" on my heart and stuck with it for over a year. Anytime I wanted to complain about something or demand results, He whispered "patience".  Ugghh!!  But, eventually I got it! I hold that word dear now and listen intently when He reminds me to be patient. Thank God HE is patient with me! :)

     Looking back over old journals and recent conversations with Him, it finally dawned on me that the theme He has been pursuing with me over the past year is "Bold Love".  He has used other terms and phrases... "Fearless Courage", "There are no BUTTS in love", etc...  But no matter how He puts it, I realized that it all points back to "Bold Love".

     You know, really... all things with God points back to love.  It's not new news that the word love is used over 550 times in the Bible (depending on your version, of course.) And throughout the Bible we hear God encouraging His followers to "Take courage", "Be strong", "Have no fear!".  So, when you put those together, you get Bold Love, Fearless Love, Courageous Love.  I didn't used to 'get' that -- I loved the people that I knew would love me back, or at least the ones that seemed to fake it the best ;) ... my parents, some teachers, friends, husband, my kids...  I didn't stray too far from what I now see as "Safe Love."  But even then, it wasn't entirely safe...potential rejection is always right around the corner... lurking in the darkness ready to pounce.  And that's what held me back from truly loving from the center of who I am... who He created me to be. (Romans 12:9 "Love from the center of who you are." MSG)  I only loved from the fringe, the safe place, gave just enough love to get you through the day because heaven knows I didn't want to risk the pain that could come from rejected love.

     So when I was writing in my journal to Him about that verse I said, "I want the center of who I am to be Jesus, to be the Holy Spirit -- filled up, no space left for anything else." And as usual, He surprised me with this gentle reminder..."Leave room for you, my love. I created you, unique and special -- don't leave out who I created. There's room for both -- the Holy Spirit and YOU,  Just make sure its the genuine you -- not the one punctured by lies and anger from the enemy. The other part of that verse says "don't fake it." (MSG version)... Don't be who you think I want you to be or who others want you to be -- Be who I created you to be."  

     As usual, I tried to argue with Him, "But sometimes I'm so lost in the lies and the fear that I lose sight of who I'm created to be." And He whispered, "You lose sight because of where you are looking.  Keep your eyes on Me and you will never lose sight of who you are."  Hebrews 12:2 "Fixing our eyes on Jesus..." NASB).

     So again, I've strayed a bit off topic... but really, this all points back to His theme of "Bold Love".  It takes a lot of courage to love without fear, to ignore the lies the enemy has well established in your head, and love others without fear.  What does "Bold Love" look like to you?  Hugging a stranger or maybe even just smiling at one?  For some, that takes a lot of courage. It might be loving someone that you know simply doesn't have the capacity to love you back the way you want them to.  That's a tough one, but if you are loving from YOUR center, the one filled with Jesus AND you, then it gets easier and easier. 

     Whatever "Bold Love" looks like to you... try acting on it today.  Maybe start out easy... hug longer than what you are used to.  Make eye contact with someone you wouldn't normally notice... and smile. Then build up... show grace to someone that bugs the crap out of you, forgive someone that continually seems to hurt you.  This is where I am starting... baby steps... to completely FEARLESS BOLD LOVE.  Even just one a day will keep the enemy away.... and lead you to be exactly who He created you to be - A BOLD AND LOVING CREATURE!  :)

 

          

Which Came First?

Ahhh... the unanswerable question... which came first?  I'm not talking about the chicken and the egg though. And my question is answerable.  But allow me to digress...

As I was hanging out with Jesus this week, asking the deep and heavy questions that I love to throw at Him, I was working my way through thoughts about why some people don't seem to be willing to make the choices to help themselves. Does that make sense?  I work with folks that have lived in a much more harsh world than I have.  But when I see an opportunity for them to improve their situation, it is hard for me not to get frustrated when they don't jump on board.  And so I asked God,

"Do you feel that way, Lord?"  I mean, how agonizing it must be for Him to know the path He has laid out for us, but watch us continually take the wrong one. ;)  And that is when it hit me (duh!)... His grace is far bigger than the thoughts and justifications we juggle here on earth. I mean, who am I to judge how willing or able someone else is to help themselves?

So, if God's grace is bigger than all of this... why isn't mine?  Then a word hit me... "legalistic grace."  I realized that in my quest to learn as much about grace and live a life filled with it, I had become legalistic about grace!  Taking it a step further, I have actually become legalistic about not being legalistic! :)  How ironic is that? As a new creature in Christ, I have become very sensitive about what sounds legalistic and avoiding it at all costs -- judging and condemning others the minute I hear something that even remotely sounds legalistic to me.  Upon having this revelation, I prayed "Lord, help me not to judge. Teach me to just show grace... and nothing more."

And with that, I started to close my journal... but God wasn't done yet.  He gently prodded me to open it back up and whispered these words to me "Love... grace is nothing without love.  Never forget to love first, then grace will come."  Which made me ponder, can you have unloving grace?  Yep... I think I can even think of examples of where someone was doing something that I didn't like and I 'forced' myself to show grace -- but it truly was forced... it was a fake grace. Because beneath the "exterior of grace", there was anger and bitterness and hardly any love at all.  So, I erased and rewrote that prayer in my head...

"Lord, help me to love for love's sake alone.  Teach me to love because You love me more than I can imagine and You call me simply to love. You created me to love.  Let me love first... and grace will follow."
So now I know which came first -- love... then grace. :)   

Who are you?

Hi.  My name is Devon. (Hello Devon)... and I'm a shame-aholic. 

     That's right, I'm addicted to shame.  I go to bed each night and wake up each morning with a strong desire to think about all the things I've done wrong, the things I've said, the things I didn't say, the things I wish I'd done but didn't do... you name it, I'll find a way to feel guilty over it.  Before I became a Christian, I used to joke that my middle name was "Guilt"... but now I realize it's no laughing matter.  It's serious. I've somehow taken on the identity that I am responsible for how other people feel.  And if they don't feel good or if things aren't going right, I carry a weight of shame over it.  

     And, I have my own personal cheerleader and coach (we all do)... whispering failures in my ear, accusing me of anything I missed.  His name is Satan -- the liar, cheater, accuser and enemy of our soul.  And yet somehow, I find myself listening to this liar.  How ironic is that?  I strive in life for honesty, truth, and goodness, and yet, I allow a LIAR to tell me who I am.

     Of course, even as I wrote that I spotted part of the problem -- "I STRIVE".  The very definition of strive says "to struggle vigorously, to make strenuous efforts towards a goal" with synonyms such as "struggle, toil, try hard".  Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with trying hard to reach a goal.  I've been a triathlete and endurance runner... I know all about strenuous efforts towards an end goal (finish line). But this is life...there is no finish line... death is NOT the finish line. And this is not what we are talking about here...we are talking about "striving" to be someone that God has already created me to be.  That's like striving to be a girl and grow boobies :). (Remember the Judy Blume exercises "I must, I must, I must increase my bust?  Never worked.)

     Seriously though, throughout the Bible, God tells us to "be still", "rest", "take off the yoke", "trust in Him"... so, all of that striving isn't for HIM, it's for ME... and it's a lie. God wants us to stop looking at ourselves through our own eyes (or the eyes of the enemy) and look at ourselves through HIS EYES!  The devil wants us self-conscious, but God wants us Jesus-conscious.  Because He placed us in Christ, all God sees is the excellence, beauty and perfection of Jesus when He looks at us.  He is calling us to stop looking at ourselves and the things we've done (or didn't do), and look to Jesus. Through Jesus, we are completely, utterly, and magnificently accepted, loved, valued, and honored by the one who created everything -- isn't that just mind blowing? 

     So today I say, God's grace is bigger than any addiction. Today is the day that God sets us free from every lie, guilt, and condemnation that the accuser has been bombarding us with.  

     Pray with me:  "Lord Jesus, I thank You for the cross.  I thank You that when You died for me, Your blood cleansed me from all the sins of my entire life.  You are my Lord and Savior.  I give you all of my addictions today.  I am sick and tired of being defeated and condemned by the accuser.  Today I confess that because of the blood of Jesus Christ, I am right now the righteousness of God.  By the supernatural strength and power of the Holy Spirit, who is present to convict me of my righteousness, I will be reminded every day that I am the righteousness of God through Jesus Christ.  Amen!" (Joseph Prince, Destined to Reign)

     Hi.  My name is Devon (Hello Devon)... and I'm a precious, chosen, holy and blameless daughter of our Almighty King.  And guess what... you are too!!

Falling UP?

I realized I haven't written anything in my blog yet for 2014.  The New Year brought some reflection for me that ended up leading me down a rather dark path into a valley that I wasn't expecting or prepared for.  (But then when are we ever ready for a valley?).  2013 was probably one of the hardest years I can remember... I was ready to put it behind me. But as I reflected, I realized that if I were completely honest, the past FEW years have been difficult -- ironically coinciding with me becoming a Christian.  Realizing that life seemed to have gotten substantially harder with my newly found faith in God, I started questioning His true goodness and power. (Gasp!) 

Falling.  You know those times when it feels like its happening in slow motion.  You are reaching out, grappling for anything to catch your fall, but your hands keep coming up empty. And you know that you are going down and you know it's going to hurt. This is how I was feeling during this time of uncertainty and doubt.  Part of it I am now realizing has been the grieving process, something I didn't even realize I was in. Except I'm not grieving the death of anyone, just being forced to watch the slow, painful loss of my mother's mind. Diseases are cruel and torturous for the sufferer and the loved ones around them.  But Alzheimers takes on a whole new level of hell. My mom is a healthy woman whose body will outlive her mind that is slowly, agonizingly slipping away. And the memory loss is just the first level -- the personality changes, the outbursts, the anger... those dig deep and open wounds I never imagined possible from one I love so dearly. 

Spinning.  Even while I'm sitting here hacking away at this blog, I can't seem to keep my mind in one direction.  I had planned to write about the feelings of doubt I was experiencing and the sweet things God has shown me this past week to help me through it.  Then I end up writing about the dark pain of grieving.  I can't seem to stay focused on things right now and that is why I've avoided writing. 

Climbing.  One very specific way that I know (that I know that I know) that I have a Heavenly Father who loves me more than I can fathom is by the friends He has placed in my life over the past few years.  He knew how desperately I was going to need the loving guidance and support from friends that are overflowing with His grace and wisdom during this time. Always pointing to Jesus, they keep boosting me towards His light, one foothold at at time.  And of course, there is God Himself... whispering sweet encouragement and walking one step in front of me, facing me, with His arms reached out to hold me steady -- like a parent with a toddler learning how to walk. (That was actually a vision He gave a sweet friend of mine to share with me!)

Soaring. In the last few days, I have sensed that God has been showing me that my valley is only as deep as I allow it to be.  By keeping my eyes on Him and not allowing myself to live my life out through my emotions (which honestly seem to be controlled by the enemy anyway), my valleys may "feel" dark and lonely, when in reality His light is always shining.  I just have to turn my eyes to the light and stop looking away to see "just how deep this valley is." It's so easy to stop and wallow instead of pushing on through to Him. And what happens when I push through and place my hope, my expectations, my faith in Him?  Isaiah 40:31 tells me,

"but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."

So this week, as I move my mom into an assisted living facility back up in Ohio, where she has chosen to stay, I'm going to keep my eyes focused on HIS LIGHT and allow Him to be my STRENGTH, my FOOTHOLD to climb out of the valley, and my WINGS to soar above that valley of shadow and death. And thanks to Him and the beautiful people He has placed in my life... for a time such as this... my cup runneth over. 

Psalm 23

¹ The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
²     He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
³     he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths
    for his name’s sake.
⁴ Even though I walk
    through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
    for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
    they comfort me.

⁵ You prepare a table before me
    in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
    my cup runneth over,
⁶ Surely your goodness and love will follow me
    all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord
    forever.