Falling UP?

I realized I haven't written anything in my blog yet for 2014.  The New Year brought some reflection for me that ended up leading me down a rather dark path into a valley that I wasn't expecting or prepared for.  (But then when are we ever ready for a valley?).  2013 was probably one of the hardest years I can remember... I was ready to put it behind me. But as I reflected, I realized that if I were completely honest, the past FEW years have been difficult -- ironically coinciding with me becoming a Christian.  Realizing that life seemed to have gotten substantially harder with my newly found faith in God, I started questioning His true goodness and power. (Gasp!) 

Falling.  You know those times when it feels like its happening in slow motion.  You are reaching out, grappling for anything to catch your fall, but your hands keep coming up empty. And you know that you are going down and you know it's going to hurt. This is how I was feeling during this time of uncertainty and doubt.  Part of it I am now realizing has been the grieving process, something I didn't even realize I was in. Except I'm not grieving the death of anyone, just being forced to watch the slow, painful loss of my mother's mind. Diseases are cruel and torturous for the sufferer and the loved ones around them.  But Alzheimers takes on a whole new level of hell. My mom is a healthy woman whose body will outlive her mind that is slowly, agonizingly slipping away. And the memory loss is just the first level -- the personality changes, the outbursts, the anger... those dig deep and open wounds I never imagined possible from one I love so dearly. 

Spinning.  Even while I'm sitting here hacking away at this blog, I can't seem to keep my mind in one direction.  I had planned to write about the feelings of doubt I was experiencing and the sweet things God has shown me this past week to help me through it.  Then I end up writing about the dark pain of grieving.  I can't seem to stay focused on things right now and that is why I've avoided writing. 

Climbing.  One very specific way that I know (that I know that I know) that I have a Heavenly Father who loves me more than I can fathom is by the friends He has placed in my life over the past few years.  He knew how desperately I was going to need the loving guidance and support from friends that are overflowing with His grace and wisdom during this time. Always pointing to Jesus, they keep boosting me towards His light, one foothold at at time.  And of course, there is God Himself... whispering sweet encouragement and walking one step in front of me, facing me, with His arms reached out to hold me steady -- like a parent with a toddler learning how to walk. (That was actually a vision He gave a sweet friend of mine to share with me!)

Soaring. In the last few days, I have sensed that God has been showing me that my valley is only as deep as I allow it to be.  By keeping my eyes on Him and not allowing myself to live my life out through my emotions (which honestly seem to be controlled by the enemy anyway), my valleys may "feel" dark and lonely, when in reality His light is always shining.  I just have to turn my eyes to the light and stop looking away to see "just how deep this valley is." It's so easy to stop and wallow instead of pushing on through to Him. And what happens when I push through and place my hope, my expectations, my faith in Him?  Isaiah 40:31 tells me,

"but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."

So this week, as I move my mom into an assisted living facility back up in Ohio, where she has chosen to stay, I'm going to keep my eyes focused on HIS LIGHT and allow Him to be my STRENGTH, my FOOTHOLD to climb out of the valley, and my WINGS to soar above that valley of shadow and death. And thanks to Him and the beautiful people He has placed in my life... for a time such as this... my cup runneth over. 

Psalm 23

¹ The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
²     He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
³     he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths
    for his name’s sake.
⁴ Even though I walk
    through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
    for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
    they comfort me.

⁵ You prepare a table before me
    in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
    my cup runneth over,
⁶ Surely your goodness and love will follow me
    all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord
    forever.